Brev till en vän

Det här är ett brev jag skickade till min vän som också är vuxet barn.

Hi P!

So good to hear from you!

I don't think we have spoken since I send my letter. Im happy to hear that you liked to read my letter!

Ok is ok but not good. I tried when I went to your town. I learned a lot but the most important thing was that when I stay in my feelings I grow and heal. I can't run from my self or feeling. I always bring them with me. To stop and practice in being with myself was my only way to serenity.

Forgetting things was a part of my illness. I didn't know it then but the depression made my overheated mind put away stuff to make me survive. During that time I didn't live, I merely survived. I couldn't feel sound and good feelings. It was a mess of mixed feelings, like an inner storm in me. I was tired all the time, as you describe. I couldn't concentrate. After my mum died I was home from work for two month because I couldn't concentrate for five minutes. I realized afterwards that all my mind needed was rest and all I could do was to take it slow and listen to people wit similar backgrounds and experiences. Taking walks and start to train pray the serenity prayer. It took time; I still have the scares, for good and bad. I still have problems with prioritize in my job, not to be too ambitious. I still get easily stressed up and put the blame on my self.

Hmm… K's love to you. I have realized that I have to learn to love my self before I can let in and feel love from others for real in my hart, not in my head.

It's so good that you tell me about your life! Im so thankful!

My live is very good right now! I think I have met a girl that I respect and she has many qualities that I really admire! We have cozy moments all the time and talk, talk, talk about our feelings, about fears in the relationship, feelings for X-boy/girlfriends people around us. We run together, talking walks together, having dinners, breakfasts together, sharing life. But the best thing is that I finally can be my self and tell her about my feelings! Im so happy! I dare to feel what I feel and I can tell her what I feel! It's fantastic!

Last weekend I was in H on an AA convention where Al-Anon was invited and had meetings. It was 7-800 persons there! So much recovering people on one place, it was fantastic, you have to experience it to understand. I felt so at home because everyone knew how my life was in my childhood. Actually I have a picture from a meeting on the beach from last year that I can scan and send to you.

I want to tell you some things from my background. Now I can feel feelings that I didn't know that I had for four years ago, because I grow up with a father and mother that couldn't tell me about their feelings. That's because my grandfather, my moms father, was an alcoholic, sober tough but his behaviors are passed on to my mother and then to me. My grandma, father's mother, passed away in cancer when my father was twelve and he wasn't allowed to speak about it. He was told that he and his sisters would upset their father when talking about it. All feelings were banned. And so it went to be during my childhood too.

Take it easy, it will take time but as sooner your start taking care of our self the sooner you get well. It's like having a cold. You never get well if you never rest in your bed. The only difference is that it's the mind that is ill. My medication was and is the 12-step program for recovery, as you know.

Take care of your self P, you are worth it!

Many warm and loving hugs from your friend